Why Rest Doesn't Feel Restful

Jessica (: 00:07

Have ever finally gotten the chance to rest and then hated it? Maybe you've been looking forward to sitting down all day.

You finish work, you get through dinner, you finally get on the couch. Nothing urgently needs your attention. This is the moment you've been waiting for. And within about three minutes, you're thinking, I should probably switch the laundry. Did I answer that email? I need to remember to order that thing. Maybe I'll just check my phone. Actually, while I'm sitting here, I could make that appointment. And suddenly.

The rest you were looking forward to doesn't feel particularly restful. Or maybe you actually stay on the couch, but your mind keeps going. You're replaying conversations, planning tomorrow, thinking about what you didn't finish today. Scrolling, checking, mentally making lists.

your body has stopped, but some part of you is still running. And then comes the really frustrating thought. Why can't I just relax? Today we're gonna talk about why.

Welcome back to Healing is My Hobby.

I'm Jessica Colarco, a licensed clinical social worker and CBT therapist. And this is the podcast where we get curious about the things that help us heal inside and outside of the therapy room. Last week we started season two by talking about what happens when productivity starts to feel like safety. We talked about doing, fixing, planning, checking, achieving, and how those behaviors can sometimes become ways that we manage discomfort.

This week I want to talk about what happens when you actually try to stop because there's a really frustrating experience I hear from people all the time. I know I need to rest. I just don't know how. Or I finally have time to relax, but I can't relax. And sometimes we interpret that as a personal failure. I should be better at this. Why can't I turn my brain off? Why am I wasting my day off worrying about everything I need to do tomorrow?

But here's where I want to start. Stopping and regulating are not necessarily the same thing. You can stop moving without your nervous system feeling settled. And understanding that difference can change the way you approach rest. I think we sometimes have a very specific picture of what stress looks like. Running around, working, multitasking, rushing, and we have another picture of what rest looks like. Sitting on the couch, watching Netflix.

Scrolling TikTok, taking a bath, going to bed early. And physically, yes, those things might involve less activity, but your nervous system doesn't determine whether you're regulated based on whether you're sitting or standing. You can be lying completely still in bed while your mind is running through 47 different scenarios. You can be getting a massage while thinking about everything you need to do when the massage is over. You can be on vacation checking your work email.

You can be sitting on the couch scrolling your phone while your brain takes in hundreds of pieces of information. You can be doing something that looks like self-care while internally feeling rushed, guilty, distracted, or anxious. That's why I don't want us to define rest only by the absence of physical activity. I want us to start thinking about what is happening inside me while I'm resting. Because your body can stop.

before your nervous system does. One of the biggest misconceptions about nervous system regulation is that we're supposed to figure out how to turn our nervous system off. We don't want that. Your nervous system has a job. It's constantly receiving information and helping you respond to what's happening around you and inside you. The goal isn't to be calm all the time. The goal is flexibility. Can your system mobilize when something requires your attention?

And then when that demand passes, can it begin moving towards something different? That's where some of us struggle. We know how to activate. We're excellent at activating. Alarm goes off, go. Someone needs something, go. Problem at work, go. Child needs something, go. Deadline, go. Unexpected email, go. We have practiced that transition thousands of times. But the transition in the other direction, that's harder.

And sometimes we expect it to happen instantly. We finish the last task of the day and think, okay, relax now. But your nervous system is not a light switch. You don't spend 10 hours responding to demands, making decisions, solving problems, moving quickly, and processing information, and then necessarily shift into rest because you sat down. Sometimes your system needs a transition.

Think about how most of us move throughout a typical day. Maybe you're working right up until you have to leave. Then you're driving. Then you're answering a phone call in the car. Then you're walking into the house. Someone needs something. You're figuring out dinner. You're checking your phone. You're cleaning up. You're answering a text. And then at some point you collapse onto the couch and think, finally. But there wasn't really a transition. There was activity, activity, activity, activity, stop.

And then we're confused when our minds are still moving at the speed it was moving five minutes ago. Sometimes what your nervous system needs isn't simply rest. It needs a bridge into rest. That might be changing your clothes when you get home, taking a shower, walking outside for 10 minutes, putting your phone somewhere else, stretching, listening to music, sitting somewhere quiet.

Doing something repetitive with your hands. Taking a few minutes before walking into the next part of your day. It doesn't have to be elaborate. and please don't turn your transition routine into another thing you have to perform perfectly. We're not creating a 14-step evening routine. We're simply giving your system a cue. That part of the day is over. We're moving into something different now.

I absolutely love transitioning with changing my clothes

into more comfy clothes.

But there is another reason rest can feel difficult. Sometimes slowing down gives us access to things that staying busy helps us avoid. When you're moving all day,

not much room to notice what's happening inside you. Then things get quiet and suddenly you notice I'm anxious, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm overwhelmed, I'm exhausted, I'm worried about something. Or maybe there's no big emotion at all. There's just discomfort.

Restlessness, an urge to get up, an urge to check something, an urge to find stimulation.

And if you're used to responding to discomfort by doing something, then rest puts you directly in contact with the thing you've been managing through activity.

Which can make Rust feel surprisingly vulnerable. This is one of those moments where I want us to move away from what's wrong with me and toward what am I noticing? What happens inside me when things get quiet? That's information. Here is a perfect example from my own life. Many of you know that my oldest went off to college in August. Her last weekend at home, while she was out visiting friends and saying her goodbyes.

I decided that this was apparently the perfect time to completely overhaul my walk-in closet. I went through everything. I got rid of probably seventy-five percent of my wardrobe. And then because apparently that wasn't enough, I moved on to go I moved on to going through all of my eleven year olds clothes too. And I didn't start that project thinking, I don't want to feel sad about my daughter leaving, so I'm gonna clean out my closet. I genuinely was not aware of what I was doing.

But somewhere in the middle of it, I recognized my own pattern. I was being productive, so I didn't have to be still with something that felt really uncomfortable.

My daughter was leaving for college. There was grief in that. There was pride. There was excitement for her. There was sadness for me. There were a lot of feelings happening at the same time. And instead of just allowing myself to feel all of that, I had found something I could do, something I could organize, something I could control, something that gave me a sense of accomplishment when the thing I was actually experiencing had no task attached to it and no way for me to fix it.

Productivity had become a mask for what I really didn't want to feel. And I think that's such an important distinction because I wasn't consciously avoiding my feelings. I wasn't saying, I'm not gonna deal with this. I was just doing what my system already knew how to do. Get busy, get productive, keep moving. And sometimes that's what avoidance actually looks like. Often we do the same thing with rest. We stop, but we make sure even our rest is accomplishing something.

I think a lot of high achieving people will recognize this pattern.

I like to call this productive rest. This is when we technically rest, but we make sure the rest accomplishes something. Maybe you listen to a personal development podcast while walking because you're relaxing, but you're also learning. You read a book but it needs to teach you something. You take a yoga class because it's good for your mobility. You go for a walk because you need to get your steps. You meditate because you're trying to improve your mental health. You organize a closet because organizing is relaxing. And none of these things are bad.

I love a lot of these things. The question is whether everything has to justify its existence by being useful. Can you do something because you enjoy it? Can you walk without tracking it? Can you read something that teaches you absolutely nothing? Can you sit outside without listening to a podcast? Can you have a hobby you're mediocre at? Can you watch something silly? Can you spend an hour that produces nothing?

And notice what happens inside you when I even suggest that. Because if your immediate thought is that sounds like a waste of time, there's something worth getting curious about. We also need to talk about the thing many of us do when we're tired. We scroll. And I'm not gonna tell you that scrolling is bad. Sometimes watching funny videos or sending memes to your friends is genuinely enjoyable. But sometimes we call scrolling rest because our bodies aren't moving.

Meanwhile, our brains are processing a funny video, someone's vacation, breaking news, a recipe, a tragedy, a parenting tip, a celebrity, an advertisement, someone's morning routine, a political argument, a house we suddenly think ours should look like, a body we're now comparing ours to, another tragedy, a dog video. All within five minutes. That's a lot of input. So again, the question isn't is scrolling bad? The question is, what does this do to me?

Do I feel more settled afterward, more connected, more present? Or do I feel overstimulated, restless, distracted, inadequate, or somehow even more tired? Your nervous system is giving you information. Pay attention to it. This is where I think we can make rest much more personal. Instead of asking, How should I relax? Try asking, what does my system need right now?

Because different states need different things. If I'm activated and overstimulated, I might need less input. Quiet. Dimmer lights, slower movement, less phone, fewer decisions. If I'm depleted or shut down, lying on the couch for another three hours might not actually help me reconnect. Maybe I need fresh air, music, light movement, a change of environment, connection with someone safe. One manageable task that helps me feel back online. If my mind won't stop,

Maybe I need to get the thoughts out of my head. Write down the worry. Name the thought. Use grounding. Shift my attention. And if I'm lonely or disconnected, maybe what I need isn't solitude at all. Maybe regulation looks like connection. Calling someone, sitting near someone, petting the dog, doing something alongside another person. This is why generic lists of coping skills only get us so far. The question isn't just what coping skill should I use?

It's what state am I in and what does this particular state need?

There's one more thing I want to normalize. Sometimes we approach regulation strategies with the expectation that they're supposed to make the feeling disappear. I was anxious, I did the breathing exercise, I'm still anxious, didn't work. I went for the walk, I'm still irritated, didn't work. I rested, I'm still tired, didn't work. But what if the goal isn't always to make yourself feel completely different? What if the question becomes?

Did this help me respond differently? Maybe our anxiety went from an eight to a six. Maybe you were irritated, but you didn't send the text you would regret. Maybe your mind was still busy, but you were able to stay present with your family. Maybe you were still tired, but you stopped demanding more from yourself. That's regulation two. The goal isn't to make every uncomfortable internal experience disappear. The goal is increasing your ability to move through those experiences with more flexibility.

So here's your healing experiment for this week. I want you to notice one transition in your day. Maybe it's work to home, school drop-off to your workday, workday to evening, dinner to bedtime, workout to work, whatever transition tends to feel abrupt to you. And instead of moving directly from one demand into the next or directly from full speed into relax now, give yourself a small bridge. Five minutes is enough. And ask.

What state am I in right now? Then, what does my system actually need? Not what should I be doing? Not what's the healthiest thing? Not what's the most productive way to spend these five minutes? What do I need? Try something and then notice what happens. We're gathering information.

Jessica (: 15:02

If you've been listening to this episode thinking this is exactly what happens to me, I stop, but I don't know how to actually come down from the day. This is exactly the kind of pattern we're working with inside why you can't stop. It's my seven module self-paced course for people who are really good at doing, achieving, fixing, planning, and handling things, but struggle when it's time to stop. Because telling yourself to just relax.

Isn't particularly helpful when you don't understand why relaxing feels uncomfortable in the first place. Inside the course, we're going deeper into the patterns underneath constant doing. We're looking at anxiety, nervous system activation, the pull toward productivity, the beliefs you may have developed around rest, responsibility, achievement, and worth. And most importantly, we're working on building more flexibility so you have more than one way to respond when discomfort shows up.

You already know how to push through. This isn't a course that's going to teach you how to do that better. It's about learning what happens when you don't. If you're listening during launch week, why you can't stop is available right now for the early bird price of $197. After launch week, the price moves to $247, You can find the course and all of my resources at heal.jessicacolarcolcsw.com I'll also put the direct link in the show notes.

And if last week's episode helped you recognize that you have a hard time stopping, and today's helped you realize that even when you do stop, you don't necessarily feel rested. I really created this course for you. I also have a similar resource if you're not ready for the full course but want to start understanding your own patterns. It's called My Nervous System Regulation Plan. And one of the things I really love about this workbook is that it doesn't just give you a giant list of coping skills, it helps you identify what regulation feels like for you.

Your earliest signs of activation and shutdown, and then build a regular menu based on what you actually need. Because what helps you slow down may be completely different from what helps you come back online. and what helps when your mind is racing might be different again. You can find that resource at the same place, heal.jessicacolarcolcsw.com So this week I don't want you to become better at resting.

I want you to become more curious about it. Notice what happens when you stop. Does your mind speed up? Do you reach for your phone? Do you start looking for something useful to do? Does guilt show up? Do you feel restless? Do you immediately think about what you should be doing? And then ask, what might my nervous system actually need right now? Because rest isn't always about doing nothing, and regulation

Isn't about being calm all the time. It's about becoming more flexible and how you respond to yourself. Next week we're going one layer deeper because underneath the inability to stop and underneath the discomfort that sometimes comes with rest, there can be another belief. I haven't done enough yet to deserve it. Next week we're talking about you don't need to earn your rest. And we're getting into productivity and

guilt, worthiness, and why doing enough can become a finish line that keeps moving. healing doesn't have to be your whole life. It can just be something you keep practicing along the way. I'll see you next week. And if you're curious about my clinical practice,

You can visit my website at jessicacolarcolcsw.com or see what's happening on Instagram at Jessica ColarcoLCSW. And you can also sign up for the newsletter at healingismmyhobby.com or check out my socials at healing is my hobby on Instagram and YouTube.